How Past Toxic Workplaces Shape Your Leadership (and How to Break the Cycle)
Many engineering leaders carry defensive patterns from previous roles. Learn how to shift into strategic, confident leadership using a four-pillar framework.
Have you ever joined a healthier company… yet still found yourself leading from fear, doubt, or over-responsibility?
You’re not imagining it.
Our past workplaces leave patterns, especially the toxic ones, and those patterns follow us long after we leave.
Recently, I coached an engineering manager who experienced this in a profound way. They were talented, thoughtful, and deeply committed to their team. But their previous role had been so harmful that it reshaped how they showed up in their new environment.
Here’s what their story reveals about leadership after toxicity, and how you can break the cycle.
The Hidden Impact of Toxic Workplaces on Engineering Leaders
My client had come from an environment where:
- their ideas were dismissed or stolen
- technical leaders weaponized questions
- vulnerability was punished
- they were excluded from decision-making
So even in a new, supportive company, their nervous system was still in “survival mode.”
They found themselves:
- hesitating to ask technical questions
- second-guessing decisions
- trying to solve every problem alone
- feeling overwhelmed by needed process improvements
These weren’t “performance problems.”
They were protections.
Adaptive behaviors from their old environment, now working against them.
Toxic workplaces don’t just hurt your confidence.
They reshape your leadership instincts.
Breaking the Cycle: The 4-Pillar Framework That Unlocked Momentum
Healing as a leader isn’t just about mindset. It’s about alignment across strategy, systems, behaviors, and belief.
Here’s how we rebuilt their leadership using my four-pillar leadership framework.
1. Strategy: Connecting Today’s Decisions to the Outcomes That Matter
The client believed that asking technical questions meant they weren’t competent enough.
But the truth?
Curiosity is a strategic strength.
So we reframed their questions through a “pre-mortem” lens:
“What risks should we consider with this approach?”
“What failure modes should we plan for?”
This instantly positioned them as a forward-thinking leader — not someone questioning competence.
2. Action & Tactics: Executing Through Leverage Instead of Overwork
Like many engineering managers who’ve experienced betrayal or exclusion, they were doing everything alone.
One shift changed everything:
Leverage the tech leads.
We created:
- a bi-weekly tech lead forum
- a sequencing plan for process changes
- clear positioning language to avoid misunderstandings
Their workload went from chaotic to manageable.
3. Systems: Putting Structures in Place That Multiply Impact
Toxic workplaces often train leaders to rely on hustle, not systems.
So we put in place simple structures:
- a repeatable change-management framework
- a shared language for technical discussions
- consistent pathways for strategic input
Suddenly, the pressure eased because responsibility was distributed, not held alone.
4. Mindset: Showing Up With Confidence Instead of Defensiveness
This was the real unlock.
Once they understood how past harm was shaping their current leadership, they stopped blaming themselves and started leading from a grounded place.
They showed up differently — clearer, more confident, and more connected to their team.
Their reflection at the end says it all:
Every time I talk to you, I feel better. And now I have actual frameworks to use.
Why This Is So Common (and So Fixable)
You can be thriving at a new company… and still be run by old defensive patterns.
This doesn’t mean you’re not a strong leader.
It means you’ve been surviving in environments where leadership wasn’t safe.
The good news?
With the right support and frameworks, these patterns shift quickly.
You can move from defensive → to strategic.
From overwhelmed → to grounded.
From hyper-independent → to supported and effective.
And you can rewrite how you lead, no matter what your past taught you.
Ready to Break Your Own Leadership Patterns?
If this story resonated, you’re not alone, and you don’t have to navigate this by yourself.
I use this four-pillar leadership framework every day with engineering leaders who want to step into confidence, strategy, and impact.
If you want help applying it to your own situation, reach out. I’d love to support you.
